I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dating After Heartbreak
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing