im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.