i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho