I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
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As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia