Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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