he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
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Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in