you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.