Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
