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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
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