Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.