I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Banned from zoo.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.