So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
