i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
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I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.