All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
