We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dating After Heartbreak
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I bet he comes in French.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Operation Purity has been aborted
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.