You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen