THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
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I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm just crazy horny about you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's blow job season.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.