I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.