I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick