You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.