i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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