So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..