so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore