THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Banned from zoo.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing