my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.