In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
