We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please, let me fuck your mom
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.