I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.