You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question