party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
