just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I spit up blood this morning
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.