I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it