the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
