he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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