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That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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