My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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