The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A