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bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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