how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.