If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
