What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.