Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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