K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?