This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.