I can tuck mytits in my pants
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
