hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
