So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.