Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Actions speak louder than pants.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.