My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
