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I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
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