i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos