Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.